6 down, 6 to go. Seems like a good place to review the X-Factor so far. Like it or loathe it there’s no hiding from it (even here on the Cuckoo blog). Here’s my review of the fallen so far and my predictions for run in to Christmas.
Gone but not forgotten…
Kandy Rain - Personally these were my favorites! 
But as I’m a male, and over the age of 12 (therefore not daft enough to use my PAYG mobile allowance on premium rate TV voting) I didn’t have a say in them staying.
Next career headline for Kandy Rain – SEX FACTOR 4 WAY ROMP WITH ENGLAND BACK 4
Rikki Loney – This guy was the weakest of the bunch in my opinion. His name also sounds like a resort in Corfu. Thankfully the public and the judges agreed.
What next for Rikki? Will work in the west end… serving drinks during the interval.
Miss Frank – I think it would have made a better show if this 2nd all girl group could have stayed. Groups historically don’t do as well as solo artists. Girl groups even less so.
What next? Not alot… although main front-woman Graziella will release experimental Rap, Soul, Bluegrass, Hip-Hop, Grime, Rockabilly, Reggae fusion to not much critical acclaim.
Rachael Adedeji - This girl could sing. The voting demographic (mum’s and daughters) wouldn’t have got her though. I think getting voted off early was a good thing for her (think Lemar in Fame Academy). Interesting to see that the 80′s Grace Jones haircut was back now she’s out.
Next project – Sings on Ibiza dance anthem summer 2011.
Lucie Jones – Poor old girl next door Lucie. Just finding her feet as the ‘Valley’s’ answer to Avril Lavigne when she finds herself bottom 2 with Jedward (embarrassing in itself). Surely the judges will intervene and save the poor girl from even more pain? Not so. Let’s go to public vote deadlock to really show her how unpopular she is.
What next for Lucie – Plays the part of Dorothy in Merthyr Tydfil’s production of the Wizard of Oz.
Jamie Archer – Never got better than his auditions really. Should have been braver with his song choices. Just shows how wide off the mark Cowell is when it comes to ‘ROCK’. T-Rex’s Get It On? Primal Scream’s ‘Rocks’? Good songs in their day but nothing more than pub rock anthems for a guy desperate to lose that tag. This is coming from someone who knows all about Primal Scream’s ‘Rocks’ in a pub environment! Been there done it, cheesy and cliched.
Next steps for Jamie – Shaves hair off in self cathartic rebellion. Applies for newspaper ad in Phil Rainey’s pub rock band. Performs ‘Rocks’ as encore in the Pig and Whistle to much critical acclaim!
And then there were six…
Lloyd Daniels – Come in Lloyd your time’s up! You’re worse than Jedward at singing.
Next week for Lloyd… he’s sure to go. Been in the bottom 2 a few times now so not as popular as some seem to think. And the future? After finally realising he can’t sing he’ll join a children’s touring company, playing Fireman Sam.
Daniel Johnson – The enigma that is Daniel. Obviously can sing and perform but hasn’t got the X-Factor. What is the ‘X’ Factor? No one knows… you’ve either got it or you haven’t.
After he’s gone? Joins JLS when one of the current members get’s lost in the Utah desert and becomes a Morman.
Jedward - OK we all get the joke. Funny Ha Ha. Now go away please.
Jedward’s future career? It’s revealed they are actually two thirds of triplets and have locked up their other brother Ian (or maybe Eion coming from Ireland?). Ian escapes this week and appears on the next show with them as Jedwardian. The problem is Ian is good (better than the remaining soloists). The public hate them for being good and they don’t get one single vote. Blue Peter signs them up as the 3 new presenters. They are involved in countless tabloid scandals but as no one knows them apart they get away with it each time… those pesky kids! Jedwardian enters the Oxford English dictionary as a word to describe something that’s indescribable.
Stacey Solomon – Sings like a bird but looks and talks like a duck! Maybe this is what the X Factor is? A weird morphing of Dagenham Chav with Vegas Diva. She’ll do OK. Good luck her. She’s harmless fun.
The future for Dag’nam Stace? Christmas number 1 dressed as Mary (with Ollie as Joseph) in a stable with her child singing ‘Away in a Manger’
Joe McElderry and Ollie Murs – I’ve put these together because I’m sure they will be in the final two. It’s a close shot who’ll win it but I’m going to stick my neck out and say Joe.
What next for Ollie? Marries Stacey Solomon. Wedding of the year. ‘Hello’ gets billion pound rights to use the footage. Katie and Peter mark 2 have arrived. Weekly show on ITV6. Full red button ‘access all areas’ functionality brings the nation to it’s knees.
…and for Joe? The first X Factor winner not to get the number 1 slot (see above).
